Today, Mommy is a Goddamn Saint

In the past, I have admitted to my daughter that I can be an asshole. That I am less than perfect, as a mom, and that I have a lot to apologize and feel guilty for.

Today is not that day.

Dear sweet, lovely daughter of mine,

Today, Mommy is a goddamn saint.

This morning, when you woke up and immediately demanded a Popsicle and 3 episodes of Caillou, Mommy took a deep breath. Then, Mommy smiled and deflected that request by asking if you wanted to play doctor 17 times in a row. Then, she let you watch a single episode of Caillou and made it seem like a special treat.

Mommy knows what a fucking miracle she just created, averting the meltdown that was about to happen there. Especially since it was 6:02am and she hadn’t yet had a single drop of coffee.

Later on, when you were begging to watch Frozen and Mommy was tempted to let it happen, just so she could zone out on the couch for an hour or so, she offered the Next Best Thing to TV. She offered to take you to the park for the rest of the morning, so you could burn off some energy. Even though it meant getting you dressed, getting herself dressed, brushing your hair and *sob* putting sunscreen on everyone. On a day she’d rather not leave the house.

All for you.

When it was lunch time, and you declared that you would only eat 22 Goldfish, no more, no less, Mommy nodded and smiled and parlayed that into a balanced lunch. 5 slices of cheese, 3 crackers, 3 mini carrots, 6 cucumber pieces and a slice of apple is no small victory. And you STILL got your Goldfish, but you didn’t want all 22 because you were already pretty full, from lunch. Ha!

This afternoon, while the baby napped, you asked if you could make a craft with glitter. Instead of pretending she didn’t hear you, Mommy decided to Mom Up and say yes. Yes to the glitter. Sweetie, you have NO IDEA how special you are, that she said yes to the glitter.

See what I mean? SuperMom.

And when you wanted to “play Frozen,” which essentially means re-enacting all the scenes you know by heart from the movie, Mommy said yes, because she knew how big your smile would be. And even though she wanted to roll her eyes every single time you asked her if she’d like to build a snowman, Mommy played along.

Today was a day that Mommy said Yes. Yes to the things that were good for you, that maybe took a bit more energy than she wanted to give and a bit more clean up than she wanted to do. But she did them anyway. Because, sweet girl, you are worth it, every single time.

And while Mommy can’t always muster the MommyBalls that it takes to do the right thing, she is always so much happier when she sees YOU so happy.

Which means that, after kicking up her feet tonight with a nice glass of wine, she will try and be this good again tomorrow.

But she’s not making any promises.

~g

14 Signs You’re a Sleep-Deprived Parent

I know I’m not the first person out there to write about being a sleep-deprived parent. If you have kids, there is a 99% chance that you’ve had a period of time where you weren’t getting enough sleep. And if that’s not true, I don’t want to hear about it from you; you and your smug face can leave.

But there is something strangely satisfying in either writing about it or reading about it. Something to do with misery loving company, perhaps? I don’t know. Either way, I am here to tell you you’re not alone, and I have probably done something dumber than you, due to sleep deprivation.

Things Overheard This Week, episode 17

It was a pretty normal week over here, filled with chaos, meltdowns and screaming…and that was just the Teen! She’s going to kill me for writing that. All of those things did happen, just mostly thanks to the Threenager and baby C, who turned 11 months old this week. Wow, I can’t quite believe that.

Things Overheard This Week, episode 16

Okay, I think we can safely say that my birthday week extravaganza is officially over. Between all the yummy cupcakes, chocolate chip pancakes, mani-pedi, gab sessions with good friends, chocolate chip cookie cake, burgers, fried chicken and waffles, beer, truffles and then an entire child-free day that the Husband planned for me today (in conjunction with both sets of grandparents), I am totally blissed out!

And full. Really, really full.

I think my major take-away this week has been the realization that my life was missing a bit of self-care. So getting spoiled a bit by those I love really filled my tank back up. I feel a little less exhausted, a little less depleted and pretty lucky. And those are all really good feelings to have.

Now, here’s the funny.

The Threenager: Mama, we’re going to pick up your birthday cake, but IT’S A SURPRISE!
Me: …
The Husband: And do you think it’s still a surprise, now?
The Threenager, nodding with big, wide eyes: Uh-huh!

The Husband is taking the Threenager with him to pick up my birthday cake. They are listening to a talk radio program.

The Threenager, without any pausing: Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada. Dada.
The Husband: YES?!

We are all out on a walk through a nearby ravine on a nature trail. There are lots of runners and cyclists, and plenty of people walking dogs. A woman runs by with a Yorkie Terrier.

The Threenager, at the top of her lungs and pointing: LOOK, MAMA! A RAT! A RAT!
Me: *doubled over, trying not to laugh too obnoxiously*

Happy Memorial Day, to my American friends! And happy Sunday night, to everyone else. 😉

~g

The best birthday story I’ve been able to tell, pretty much ever.

Nothing says “it’s your birthday” like tacos, Prosecco, cupcakes…and puking all over yourself.

Wait.

That last part was the Threenager, not me. 

Things Overheard This Week, episode 15

It’s the long weekend, here in Canada. Victoria Day weekend, or May 2-4. Yay! This means two things for us, here: we are getting mighty close to my birthday (sometimes my birthday actually falls on this weekend, which is kind of awesome), so cake and parties are a big topic of conversation; and it’s generally our first trip of the season up to the Husband’s family cottage.

Things Overheard This Week, Episode 14

Happy Mother’s Day!

I’m looking with pride at my very first paper flower Mother’s Day gift, from the Threenager. You know you’ve made it as a parent when you get one of these. Am I right?

This week is a special edition of Things Overheard, one that includes a whole bunch of quotes from the grandparents as well. One night a week, the Threenager has a sleepover with a set of grandparents, and as you can imagine, she says funny shit with them, too. Here are just some of the things she’s said, recently.

In the car with Grandma and Grandpa, Grandpa guns it as he pulls away from a traffic light.

The Threenager: Wow, Grandpa! That was fast! This car has POWER!

In the car with Nana, on the way to the Toy Store.

The Threenager: Nana, are you going to learn to drive when you get older?
Nana: Well…I AM older and I AM driving…
The Threenager: Yes, but are you going to learn to drive?
Nana: …

Later that day, as part of an ongoing conversation about getting older and driving.

The Threenager: I’m going to learn to drive when I get older.
Nana: Of course you will, and you’ll be a very good driver.
The Threenager: I know I will. And I’ll be able to drive you to the hospital to get you fixed.
Nana: …

The Threenager, to our cat who was sharpening her claws on our leather chair: Stop that! That is not insectable! (acceptable)

Driving home from daycare with the Husband.

The Threenager: Oh, I saw the desert! We just drove past it.

On the same drive home…

The Threenager: When we get home, can I have some raw eggs?
The Husband: RAW eggs??
The Threenager: Yes, that’s how Mama gives them to me.
The Husband: …

Upon arriving home…

The Threenager, trying to open the front door: Oh, the door is locked! We’ll have to find a new home.

Now go outside enjoy this beautiful day!

~g

Today, Mommy is an Asshole

Not too long ago, a fellow writer wrote a beautiful, touching piece called, “Today, Mommy is Sad.” It made me tear up, because it took me back to when I was pregnant for the second time and struggling to deal with my conflicting emotions.

Today is a different story.

Things Overheard This Week, episode 12

I am getting later and later with these weekly installments, aren’t I? Maybe you’ve been complaining, but I haven’t heard you with my face buried in a jar of homemade coconut butter. Seriously one of the best tasting treats on the planet. The problem is that I’ve been (possibly) overindulging in this treat recently. Yes, we are on Day 26 of our Whole30, and while we’re still going strong (4 more days! Yeah!), I have become increasingly hungry. It might be the breastfeeding. I might not be getting enough calories/fat/starchy vegetables in. Either way, at this time of night I need to eat and eat and eat.

And yes, I would still kill for a cupcake, and have every intention of eating one next weekend. Along with half a bottle of Prosecco. So I’m not sure if I can say “mission accomplished” on the killing my sugar craving side of things, but I may be able to attribute that to the breastfeeding.

Anyway, that is NOT why you’re here! Without further ado, here are this week’s Things Overheard.

We are out at a restaurant with a bunch of friends, all of us with kids. The Teen sees a boy she knows, who then approaches her to say hi. She comes back looking flustered as he leaves the restaurant.

The Husband: Who was that?
The Teen: THAT’S Trevor**!
The Husband: Oh. *looks over the Teen’s shoulder and pretends to see Trevor right behind her* Hey Trevor! Did you want to talk to the Teen?
The Teen: What?! Fuck!!
The Husband: Just kidding! So I guess you know that word after all, eh??
The Teen: …*beet red*…

The Threenager, to baby C: You’re such a smoker!! *laughs*
Me: A…smoker?
The Threenager: Yup!
Me: …what exactly does a smoker do?
The Threenager: He stands up and pushes buttons!
Me: …

We had a bit of a tantrum regression this week, surrounding how much TV the Threenager can watch. She is not impressed, and not to be deterred.

The Threenager, while crying agressively: Can I watch TV?
*repeated 89 times in a row. The Husband counted. I admit, I laughed.*

The Threenager: Dada, can I watch a show?
The Husband: I’m on strike.
The Threenager: What did you say, Dada?
The Husband: I said, “I’m on strike.”
The Threenager: Did you say, “What show would you like to watch?”
The Husband: …
Me: *snickering*

Happy Sunday night!

~g

**Trevor is not his real name. We protect the innocent, here.

#ProTips for your Saturday

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This has been a fucking long week. I feel like I spent a lot of time in front my computer, hitting “refresh” and watching the Scary Mommy share numbers go up. That was exciting, but let me tell you, being an internet sensation (does nearly 100,000 shares count as going viral?) does not mean shit to a 3 year old. Or a 9 month old. Or a teenager. Betcha couldn’t see that coming. Well, the Teen seemed mildly impressed, or she’s a really good faker.