5 Differences I Didn’t Expect, Between Baby Boys and Baby Girls

This post came out of a writing prompt I decided to follow, regarding the differences between boys and girls. As someone who tries not to focus on those differences, it was an interesting journey to take, psychologically speaking. Here’s what I wrote:

When I had my daughter, I was absolutely positive that “Nurture” was responsible for all the girly things that girls ended up doing and preferring. I went about buying gender-neutral toys wherever possible, and I encouraged her to try out activities that could be interpreted as further toward the male side of the spectrum. She had toy cars, and hammer and peg sets, among other things. I thought she did pretty well.

Then I had a son.

14 Signs You’re a Sleep-Deprived Parent

I know I’m not the first person out there to write about being a sleep-deprived parent. If you have kids, there is a 99% chance that you’ve had a period of time where you weren’t getting enough sleep. And if that’s not true, I don’t want to hear about it from you; you and your smug face can leave.

But there is something strangely satisfying in either writing about it or reading about it. Something to do with misery loving company, perhaps? I don’t know. Either way, I am here to tell you you’re not alone, and I have probably done something dumber than you, due to sleep deprivation.

6 Things I Will Miss/Not Miss About the Baby Stage

Baby C is getting closer and closer to hitting his first birthday. I can’t believe it, and because I know this is my last child, I’m feeling a little bittersweet. There are plenty of things I know I will not miss about the baby stage, but when I stop to think about them, I have to admit that I’ll miss them, in their own way. Nothing is ever all one thing, and even the biggest challenges have their moments of reward, in the end. Here are some of mine, from the baby stage.

Breastfeeding.

I know I’ve had plenty of problems in the breastfeeding department, but the truth is, when it works, it’s magical. Baby C caresses my face or my chest with his free hand, or he holds on to my shirt tightly. It can be such a wonderful time of bonding. Plus, it’s so damn convenient, compared to all the food you have to start lugging around for them!

Okay, let’s be real: it took 8 long, difficult fucking months for him to get it right, so that it wouldn’t hurt like a sonofabitch every time he latched. Honestly, if I never have to feel that horrific ice pick sensation in my nipples again, it’ll be too soon.

Lack of talking.

Once they start, ladies and gentlemen, they do NOT stop. And in those first few years, when they are still figuring out how to say what’s in their sweet heads, without the complete vocabulary to do so? It’s simultaneously adorable and stab-your-eyes-out frustrating to figure out what they mean.

In those moments when your baby is crying in pain, but you don’t know why, all you want is for them to be able to tell you what’s actually going on. And who doesn’t want to hear their baby say real words instead of gibberish? All you need to do is go read one of my installments of Things Overheard This Week to know that it’s hilarious to hear how their growing little brains think.

Lack of mobility.

Yes, I am mourning the days of being able to put baby C down and do whatever I need to do, until he starts crying for me to pick him up. GOD that was a convenient stage!! Now he’s into every goddamn thing he can pull himself up to reach, and it sucks. Especially with a preschooler leaving shit everywhere. Crayons are a favourite, these days.

Okay, obviously I don’t want my kid to never be able to crawl or walk. And truly, this is the first time we’ve had a baby who crawls (the Threenager scooted on her bum, and the Teen just went straight to walking), and I have to admit: it’s kind of cute. Dirty hands aside, it’s pretty awesome that, if he’s upset about me leaving the room, he can just follow me now.

Complete dependence on an adult for everything.

This may sound strange, but there’s something really…profound about being responsible for another being so completely. Especially in the newborn stage, having to do everything from burping them to holding their heads upright. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but there’s something really beautiful about it, even though it is demanding.

It’s seriously, intensely demanding, having to do absolutely everything for another human being. Even something as simple as getting them dressed involves having to pull their arm through the arm hole, their leg through the pant hole. Never mind feeding, changing, washing…it’s so lovely when they start to do things here and there on their own.

Teething.

HAHA just kidding. Teething doesn’t end for another 2 years. Joke’s on you if you thought it ended now.

Exclusive breast- or bottle-feeding

There is nothing in the world more convenient, snack-wise, than offering a boob. You don’t have to haul around 8 containers of bite-sized cheese cubes, or grapes cut in half. And trust me, you DO have to haul that shit around, no matter how short the journey is that you’re about to take. Because lord help you if you get asked for some water or crackers and you don’t have any on hand! It won’t be pretty.

Trying to find a quiet place to breastfeed, so they won’t get distracted, can be goddamn impossible. So then, you have a pissed off, hungry baby, food (in your boob) and no way to get it in him. Well that’s just fucking great, isn’t it? Supremely frustrating. Bring on the snacks!

Babies grow so fast! Before you know it, all those times you found yourself complaining about will become the times you look back at with a smile and a tear in your eye, and you’ll be wondering where the time went.

And then you’ll be telling some random mom in the grocery store to enjoy every moment. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

~g

The Littlest Asshole

When I refer to my kids as little assholes, I have always kind of excluded baby C, for the most part. He is, after all a baby. Most of the things he does that are aggravating (like shitty breastfeeding, for example) are not his fault. He’s just doing his baby thing in the best way he knows how, right?

That’s all changing.

A message for new mothers that bears repeating

Hey!

So I feel incredibly lucky to be getting so many posts put up by HuffPost Canada. They are amazingly supportive, and it’s wonderful to know some of the pieces I’ve written with important messages are getting seen by more people. That’s really what it’s all about, for me.

13 Insignificant Sounds Guaranteed to Keep Your Baby From Falling Asleep

This sleeping baby is about to be woken up…

If your child is anything like mine, he can sleep through the apocalypse, once he’s deep in sleep. However, falling asleep requires a special kind of silent juju that I still haven’t got straight, after 2 kids. Here, in no particular order, are the things that will send baby C from dozing peacefully to to babbling excitedly, as though a nap had already taken place. Which, you know, it hadn’t. 

6 ways to tell if your baby is actually a zombie

I know. You’ve heard it before. Babies are like zombies, ha ha ha. But I really think baby C might be one, because the Threenager didn’t do any of this stuff, and he’s kind of taken it to a whole new level. Now, I’m no expert on zombies. I’ve only seen snippets of Walking Dead, while the Husband is watching it, but I think it may be time to worry.

What to do when someone tells you to “Enjoy every moment”

I have a beef. I know. Shocking, right?

My issue is with the folks who see me walking around with baby C, or the Threenager or, even worse, BOTH of them, and they smile knowingly and say to me, “Enjoy every moment. It will be over before you know it!”

Jesus fucking Christ.

7 Ways to Tell That You’re a Second Time Mom

Being a first time mom can be scary. There are so many unknowns, and all of the angst surrounding consistency and colour of your baby’s poop, length of naps and how much milk she’s getting fill up your world. Then that baby grows up a little, and you have another. And you truly don’t give a shit about all of those things anymore, because your toddler is having a meltdown about the colour of his spoon while your baby spits up all over the sweater you’ve been wearing for 4 days now, and you’re trying to judge who will be louder and more disruptive if you ignore them first, while you take care of the other one (the answer is the toddler. ALWAYS the toddler). Here are seven other ways to tell that you’re a second time mom:

Lazy Mom, vol. 1

CONFESSION TIME.

Okay, here goes: in a world where everyone talks about baby milestones, there’s one I REALLY don’t want baby C to hit right now.

Crawling.

Does that make me the asshole? Hah. Probably.

He’s trying! His other leg is in front, FYI. He does have 2 legs.